Who Took Herod Out of Christmas, A Story Missed

This is the second year in my memory that I have not listened to a family member read a pair of newspaper articles my grandfather had clipped about Christmas.  If you don't know this about me, I'm agnostic bordering on atheist, but my grandfather was a Methodist minister.  He grappled with ethics and lessons of good and evil both in his role as a religious leader as well as in his job at BU as a professor who taught society and ethics.  I'd like to share the essence of one of articles that he would read to my family throughout my childhood and which someone in my family has read at the annual gathering each year since his passing:

"Who Took Herod Out of Christmas" is an article about how the story of Christmas is not just about the baby Jesus, not just about a miracle, not just about a manger, not just about Mary and Joseph. The article starts by saying that perhaps those that lament the loss of the story to the consumerism we see that has taken over the holiday for so many may be looking in the wrong place. Those that lament the loss of their soap box have long been neglecting a key component of the story: Herod. The story is also about evil, selfish evil, powerful evil, a nearly inconceivable evil. It is about a king who, concerned only with his own power, sent an order to kill all the babies. The article points out that this evil has been glossed over far too often in the telling of the story and the figure made out to be just a boogeyman, if mentioned at all. Perhaps this glossing over is because, in the darkest days of the year, days that are depressing enough already, it can be just a little too much for us to handle. But let the thought of the story sink in. It is a story of a king who sent his army out to kill massive numbers of babies. The story of Christmas is one of an earthly power seeking to destroy for no other reason than to maintain its hold on power. It is dark and troubling.

And yet this is not something that we only see in religious stories or in fables or in the movies, we have seen this story played out in our recent history. We've seen atrocities the world wide, with children being separated from their parents and detained in hostile conditions. We've seen genocides. We've seen the powerful of our world demand that we sacrifice the welfare of our children for some other "good", a "good" which is almost always entirely to the benefit of the powerful and not to the benefit of the meek.

The story of Christmas should be told in its entirety and not watered down to make it more easier to take, for it is in recognizing the darkness within the story, it is in understanding the presence of evil and thinking about what drives that evil, that we can more fully appreciate the story and learn from it. And it is in recognizing this evil that there is even greater impact in the other power of the story choosing to be born into this world in such meek and understated terms... but the meek/understated terms is the focus of the other clipping, so I'll leave us there.

Thank you for letting me share with you what has been an important part, and a missing part, of my Christmas these last two years.  One more thing that has been missing from my Christmas is the sharing of a particular song which I'd like to share with you now:  May the Light of Love by David Roth: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVBYERSwc2E

Often it's the Opposite of What you Might Expect, COVID edition

(to the tune of "Often it's the Opposite" from Psych: The Musical)

Often it's the opposite of what you might expect.

Try to think to logical, you're usually incorrect.

Think with so many deaths the public won't re-elect?

It's the opposite of that,

the opposite of that

(public)                        But we're open

(me)                             Immaterial

(public)                        But we're safe now

(me)                             Inexact

(Senator Murkowski)  You don't think the governor has learned to quickly act

Try to be irrationale, you’ll free your head from pains

Pretending that we’re better now, will free the commerce lanes

Think the public sees that it's not all just candy canes

It’s the opposite that 

Yes, we’ll re-elect the rat

Often it’s the opposite of what you might assume

Think that you’re safe from spreading, I’ll explain things over zoom

Bet without precautions, increased cases won’t resume

It’s the opposite of that, 

My faith has gone kasplat

It’s the opposite of that,

it’s the opposite of that

Little Things Have Many Meetings

The OPENAIR Circus is returning to in-person classes in 2021.  There's a bit of effort going into it and it's not going to be like the Circus I know and love... but it's something.

Here's the thing, I've heard people say "I'm so happy the Circus is returning to in-person" but none of that has impressed upon me that it's a good thing or that I should be happy about it.

To understand this reaction, let's start with the obvious, which is that my feeling is that the pressure to return to in-person classes ignores that some fundamental parts of what makes the OPENAIR Circus what it is will be missing due to the restrictions we're putting in place... restrictions without which I would not be willing to participate in bringing in-person classes together this year since there is still COVID-19 spread and, even if stopping the spread among vaccinated people weren't important, the population we serve is not eligible for vaccines yet.

But there's something more subtle than frustration about what we're doing and why.  There's something that's more problematic.  Such gratitude about returning to in-person ignores all the effort that went into putting last year's program together and suggests that roughly one third of what we're doing this year isn't worthwhile or at least is not as worthy as the other two thirds.  And what we did last year certainly was not nothing.  And the third of classes happening online this year is not nothing.  And suggesting otherwise is not nothing.

Usually, when someone says they're thankful for something you're working on, it makes you feel good.  But when they're thanking you for something you have reservations about... when they're thanking you and it makes you feel like they're dismissing other efforts you feel are just as worthy... that doesn't feel good.  It may even make you feel worse.

And I don't expect to feel "good" about this year's program in general.  I don't expect people to socially distance after having seen the large gatherings of lots of families at a local park.  I don't expect the vaccinated parents to wear masks without confrontation, despite the simple fact that the studies that have shown that spread is lessened by the vaccines also have shown that spread still can and does happen... and despite the parents being in the same household as those that are not eligible to be vaccinated.  No, I don't expect "good" to be something I feel this season... regardless of whether people express that they are thankful for in-person classes.

So, if you're in the OPENAIR Circus and thankful for the in-person classes, you can thank another organizer but don't thank me for the in-person classes themselves.... if you want to share your appreciation for the program with me, find another way.  Show your appreciation by coming up with something else to be thankful for or by following the social distancing and masking rules we've put in place.

As You Return To "Normal" (aka, One Introvert's Plea)

There are a few things I would ask you to consider as you return to your "normal".

Forgetting the potential that your return is folly and that it is not yet safe to begin opening up the floodgates of network, there are still things to consider and contemplate.

This last year has demonstrated how extroverts very much dominate all conversations around what "normal" should be.  To me, as an introvert, this has very much given me the feeling that society does not consider me to be valid.  And that's fine.... but to my extrovert friends, I see you.  I've heard your explanations that it is human nature to not be like me... so, you know, that was lovely.  And to my introvert friends, know that you are valid, despite what the world (including your friends) may be proclaiming.

For those extroverts interested in seeing your introvert friends, perhaps you should consider how to change your approach with them as you try to coax them from their isolation.  Consider making your re-introduction of yourself low key, low energy, and low pressure.  A small gathering is ideal.  Consider also making it clear that you value their friendship and miss them specifically, not just seeing people. 

For those who are posting about wanting to give all the hugs, consider for a moment how that might impact your friends who are not as interested in that form of expression of affection.  Consider adding to your exuberant exaltations of how you will be hugging all of your friends upon sight that you will of course be asking for consent and perhaps that it will be limited to those who you think are into that sort of thing.  Also, keep in mind that your expression of interest in giving a hug may be pressure placed upon some, an unwelcome pressure that applies stress in an already stressful situation.

For those that are super excited to return to gatherings and exuberantly inviting friends and foregoing any precautions, you'll have to forgive those of us that are still watching the spread and are more skeptical about the position we all find ourselves in.  You should also be aware that some of us are watching, are not impressed, and, indeed, are taking notes.

For those that are gleefully announcing each activity "post pandemic", I feel I should remind you that we're not out of the pandemic yet.  We are very much still in the pandemic and if we're not careful, we may find that we extend the pandemic by quite a bit.  I know, I know, you're tired of hearing that and you're tired of the precautions and the CDC is trying to apply pressure to get people vaccinated in the only way they can think of and local governments are trying to get commerce and tourism going again so they can start taking in money and not provide assistance to those in need.... but wishing doesn't make something so and not paying attention to the situation doesn't make it go away.  

Quarantining on my Own

[to the tune of "Dancing on my Own" by Robyn]

The state of Mass is reopening

Do you think that it's safe again

there's a big black sky over my town

I know the spread's there, yeah it's still around

I go to check the cases

I just gotta see it for myself

I'm quarantining

watching you gather

    oh oh oh

the spread is still the-ere

why can't you see it?

    oh oh oh

I'm giving it my all

but you're not quaran-tining at all

    ooooh

I keep staying on my own

[I keep staying on my own]

Cases fall and rise again

each time we let dooown our guard

I'm crying into my coffee

and spinning around in circles

Emotionally worn out

watching you gather

    oh oh oh

the spread is still the-ere

why can't you see it?

    oh oh oh

I'm giving it my all

but you're not quaran-tining at all

    ooooh

I keep staying on my own

So close to safe, but still so far

    [we re-open, the cases rise]

But you don't see the cycle's there

I just came to say goodbye

Walking away while
watching you gather

    oh oh oh

I'm giving it my all

but you're not quaran-tining at all

    ooooh

I keep staying on my own

[I keep staying on my own]

I'm quarantining

watching you gather

    oh oh oh

the spread is still the-ere

why can't you see it?

    oh oh oh

I'm giving it my all

but you're not quaran-tining at all

    ooooh

I keep staying on my own

[I keep staying on my own]

[I keep staying on my own]

Cruel Summer

To the tune of "Cruel Summer" by Bananarama (oh stop it with the suggestion that there's another song by the same name)

COVID-19 and the people are coming 

to gather round
thinking it's safe cause the state has relaxed restrictions
meanwhile I'm praying (what do you pray?)
that I'm completely wrong
Cases are coming, the spread hasn't disappeared yet

It's a cruel, (cruel) cruel summer
spreading among the kids
it's a cruel, (it's a cruel) cruel summer

now you're here

The city is crowded, my friends want to play
and I'm forced to be
around everybody, but I just want to go away

It's a cruel, (cruel) cruel summer
asympto-matically
it's a cruel, (it's a cruel) cruel summer
now you're here

Gonna wish only it was

It's a cruel, (cruel) cruel summer
(fully vaxed) asympto-matically
it's a cruel, (it's a cruel) cruel summer

now you're here

It's a cruel, cruel summer
coming together again
it's a cruel, cruel summer
now you're here

and I just want to run

It's a cruel, (cruel) cruel summer
(fully vaxed) asympto-matically
it's a cruel, (it's a cruel) cruel summer

now you're here

and I just want to run

I Can Be Productive

Sung to the tune of "Can you Feel the Love Tonight"

I can be produ-uctiiive
And do aaaaaall the work
I will not... pro-cras-ti-nate at all
by writing out a song

So much work to do right now
but none of it of interest
and so I'll go emp-ty,,, the dishwasher
and wash the pots and pans

maybe I'll fold my clothes now
and put them in the drawers
and go and water the garden, just a bit
and fix myself a snack

but I can be produ-uctiiive
and do all of the work
I will not pro...-cras-ti-nate at all
from tasks, I can-not hide

you might find that I haaave
digressed just aaaa weee biiiit
but you know.
that I will get the work
done before it's due


and if I get the work done now
I can feel so proud
and I will be able to say I did
and go watch tv toooooo

It's a Trap as only Beauty and the Beast Could Tell the Tale

[sung as either the Candlestick from Beauty and the Beast or as Admiral Ackbar from Return of the Jedi]

It's... a..... trap, it's a trap, 

we must try to close the gap
for the Death Star is a firing 

and the plan has gone to crap

Shields are up, yes they are!
We can't handle the Death Star.

It is fully functional now

and we will not make it far!

Solo's team, where are they?

with their camouflage of grey

they should have those shields down by now

what happened I cannot say!

Cap-it-al, ships are there,

but they hardly seem to care

they aren't firing at all now

they seem almost unaware

Get in close, stay in tight,

we will still give them a fight!

Let the laser take their own ships.

We can't give into the fright.

That Skywalker said

the empire's good as dead

but they're here, get your gear

... IT'S A TRAP!

Is My Anger Akin to White Grievance?

This week has had me comparing myself to those that support Trump.  Not because I support Trump.  Not because I deny science or suggest that the reputable news sources are full of lies.  No, because I was upset by something someone said about me.

I was upset that someone suggested I was fat shaming when describing my own situation, hyperbolized.... and I've since been thinking about why this upset me.

First there's the more reasonable leap of the two, which is also what, I feel, brings me closer to a Trump supporter.  This is the idea that someone thinks that what I said was fat shaming when I don't agree it was. I could go into why I feel that it wasn't fat shaming, but does that really matter?  And boy do I go into why it's not fat shaming.  But isn't this just what those on the other side of the political divide do?  Sure, they use false-equivalencies and falsehoods to support their arguments, but there's also the element of abuse is in the eyes of the abused and that the intent of the person saying harmful words isn't the key.  Words can be harmful without intent and those harmed should be the ones listened to... and yet I object to hearing my words are harmful.  What right have I to claim that my words aren't harmful?  I toss around a couple reasons, but are those reasons valid?  Is it even possible for them to be valid?  Should I not just accept that my words were harmful and try to learn from that?  Is that not what I'm supposed to do?   

Second, there's the idea that my health-related target is invalid and shouldn't be worked on.  This is the less reasonable element of it but somehow it plays out in my head.  I'm struggling with my weight, trying to get it back down to where I was when my doctor gave me the good news that I had an almost-normal blood sugar level, so to hear that that struggle is fat shaming suggests to me that people saying so feel that I should give up on my health efforts.  Having diabetes, not working on my health through watching what I eat and exercising has very real consequences, so feeling that someone is saying I shouldn't be working on it is akin to them saying they are ok with my encountering those consequences.  Clearly this is unlikely and yet it's still a feeling I keep coming back to when thinking about how I might interact with them later. 

But I digress.

Even as I type this post, I continue to feel rage, though lessened, about the insinuation that what I said was fat-shaming and all the defenses come up and all the anger boils.  And I have not found the reason why my original post was fat shaming.... and yet that's still an excuse isn't it?  An excuse to feel upset about having been called out for something I would proclaim as wrong.

I'm glad to say it's not overwhelming my emotional state as it was days ago... but still, there's this feeling...  and depending upon when I investigate it, I either go down the self-pity / anger path or the route of questioning whether I'm just someone of privilege being called out and then becoming self-defensive with no actual defense other than those like "but how can I be shaming people like myself?".  

It probably doesn't help that I'm frustrated with my efforts to improve my health and that we've seen that COVID cases appear to be back on the rise in MA (as well as many other .... while these aren't directly related, they muddy my mental waters with other areas of distress and anger towards others and myself.

I'm writing this both in an effort to help myself further my self evaluation as well as to identify that it's ok to do such self evaluations.  None of us are perfect and we should all strive to be better.

Don't Assume 2

Don't assume we're ok.

Don't assume my anger has abated.

Don't assume my pain has faded.

Don't assume I know you're sorry.

Don't assume I don't need you to say something.

Don't assume the smile on my face is more than skin deep.

Don't assume this isn't about you... don't assume you can make that leap.

Don't assume my lack of comment means you're in the clear.

Don't assume that my walking away isn't near.

Don't assume the tear in my eyes are just from sorrow.

Don't assume that we'll just talk about it tomorrow.

Don't assume these bad rhymes are simply a joke.

Don't assume I won't give this bear but a poke.

Don't assume I won't be an ass.

Don't assume this will pass.

Don't assume a brief apology by text is all it will take.

Don't assume this outrage is but a fake.

Don't assume I want to move on... and 

Don't assume I won't let this rain on the fun.

The opera, the circus, the quad-friends, the workplace,

Don't assume anything, I can't promise it's the case.

Don't assume I no longer need you to say something.

Don't assume I'm no longer giving up on you.

Don't assume it's too late.  Don't assume that it's fate.

Don't assume I'll be here tomorrow... but also don't let that bring you to sorrow.

For everything in this world comes to an end... even the closeness you once may have called a friend.

Don't Assume

Don't assume you know what others are going through.
Don't assume that words will never hurt.
Don't assume.
Don't assume that a person who looks happy is happy.
Don't assume that a person who has been willing to put in a ton of extra time to help will continue to do so forever, or even will do so in the near future.
Don't assume.
Don't assume you know me.

Don't assume I know you.

Don't assume.

Don't assume things will be continue as they have before.

Don't assume that things will turn out alright just because they have in the past.

Don't assume.

Don't assume this is a post about me.
Don't assume this post is about you.
Don't assume.

Just

don't

assume.

I know what I know... what do you know?

I know you didn't mean to suggest that my struggle with my weight is meaningless and pointless and that I shouldn't work on it.

I know you didn't mean to suggest that my effort to control me diabetes through working on my weight wasn't perfectly reasonable.

I know you didn't mean to suggest that my efforts to improve myself is fat shaming.... that you saw my analogy as just an analogy and not the very real parallel that it truly was.

I know these things.

I know you consider me a friend.  Nope, I can't go that far.  

I know you consider me a good person?  Closer.  

I know you value what I have provided you and your family.  There we go, that I know.

I know that I'm considering walking away from all the physical spaces we interact... and that if I don't end up doing so, it is mostly out of a sense of obligation and the feeling of guilt toward others involved in the organizations.  I know a more likely scenario is shutting down my interactions with you in those spaces to limit them to business.

I know that I've opened up a message window to you a half dozen times and started to write something asking for an explanation or to let you know how much what you said has impacted me ... just to close it minutes later, for what good would it do?

I know that I've opened up an email to the board of directors of an organization, intending to suggest that we not hold the program this year or to let them know that they may want to look for someone else to run the program... and then closed it without actually getting so far as typing in the body of the email.

I know that this is the 3rd time I've started a blog post to explain my feelings, the first two discarded.

I know all of this... and yet I don't know why I feel this way.

I don't know why I haven't gotten past this after a day.

I don't know why I'm still wallowing in my self-pity.

I don't know why, after proclaiming that one should continue to work on their health even if they're nearing a target, I'm struggling (and failing so far) to keep working on my health.

I don't know how to express myself without coming off as a simpering pathetic person and without coming off as similar to those on the right that claim victimhood through false equivalences.

And I am very much like them.  I have an extreme amount of privilege.  I'm white, heterosexual, middle-class, living in the USA, and have no outward presenting abnormalities.  How can I claim victimhood with all these privileges?  What wrong has been perpetrated against me?  The suggestion that I was fat shaming?  That's nothing in comparison to the ability to have been pulled over by a cop without fearing for my life, the ability to walk through a store without eyes watching me, the ability to never have my name be a reason for my resume to be passed over, the ability to have my voice heard, ... and the list goes on.  It's ridiculous, therefore, that I am wallowing in self-pity. 

So... with all of that... what do you know?