I know you didn't mean to suggest that my struggle with my weight is meaningless and pointless and that I shouldn't work on it.
I know you didn't mean to suggest that my effort to control me diabetes through working on my weight wasn't perfectly reasonable.
I know you didn't mean to suggest that my efforts to improve myself is fat shaming.... that you saw my analogy as just an analogy and not the very real parallel that it truly was.
I know these things.
I know you consider me a friend. Nope, I can't go that far.
I know you consider me a good person? Closer.
I know you value what I have provided you and your family. There we go, that I know.
I know that I'm considering walking away from all the physical spaces we interact... and that if I don't end up doing so, it is mostly out of a sense of obligation and the feeling of guilt toward others involved in the organizations. I know a more likely scenario is shutting down my interactions with you in those spaces to limit them to business.
I know that I've opened up a message window to you a half dozen times and started to write something asking for an explanation or to let you know how much what you said has impacted me ... just to close it minutes later, for what good would it do?
I know that I've opened up an email to the board of directors of an organization, intending to suggest that we not hold the program this year or to let them know that they may want to look for someone else to run the program... and then closed it without actually getting so far as typing in the body of the email.
I know that this is the 3rd time I've started a blog post to explain my feelings, the first two discarded.
I know all of this... and yet I don't know why I feel this way.
I don't know why I haven't gotten past this after a day.
I don't know why I'm still wallowing in my self-pity.
I don't know why, after proclaiming that one should continue to work on their health even if they're nearing a target, I'm struggling (and failing so far) to keep working on my health.
I don't know how to express myself without coming off as a simpering pathetic person and without coming off as similar to those on the right that claim victimhood through false equivalences.
And I am very much like them. I have an extreme amount of privilege. I'm white, heterosexual, middle-class, living in the USA, and have no outward presenting abnormalities. How can I claim victimhood with all these privileges? What wrong has been perpetrated against me? The suggestion that I was fat shaming? That's nothing in comparison to the ability to have been pulled over by a cop without fearing for my life, the ability to walk through a store without eyes watching me, the ability to never have my name be a reason for my resume to be passed over, the ability to have my voice heard, ... and the list goes on. It's ridiculous, therefore, that I am wallowing in self-pity.
So... with all of that... what do you know?
