It's a Trap as only Beauty and the Beast Could Tell the Tale

[sung as either the Candlestick from Beauty and the Beast or as Admiral Ackbar from Return of the Jedi]

It's... a..... trap, it's a trap, 

we must try to close the gap
for the Death Star is a firing 

and the plan has gone to crap

Shields are up, yes they are!
We can't handle the Death Star.

It is fully functional now

and we will not make it far!

Solo's team, where are they?

with their camouflage of grey

they should have those shields down by now

what happened I cannot say!

Cap-it-al, ships are there,

but they hardly seem to care

they aren't firing at all now

they seem almost unaware

Get in close, stay in tight,

we will still give them a fight!

Let the laser take their own ships.

We can't give into the fright.

That Skywalker said

the empire's good as dead

but they're here, get your gear

... IT'S A TRAP!

Is My Anger Akin to White Grievance?

This week has had me comparing myself to those that support Trump.  Not because I support Trump.  Not because I deny science or suggest that the reputable news sources are full of lies.  No, because I was upset by something someone said about me.

I was upset that someone suggested I was fat shaming when describing my own situation, hyperbolized.... and I've since been thinking about why this upset me.

First there's the more reasonable leap of the two, which is also what, I feel, brings me closer to a Trump supporter.  This is the idea that someone thinks that what I said was fat shaming when I don't agree it was. I could go into why I feel that it wasn't fat shaming, but does that really matter?  And boy do I go into why it's not fat shaming.  But isn't this just what those on the other side of the political divide do?  Sure, they use false-equivalencies and falsehoods to support their arguments, but there's also the element of abuse is in the eyes of the abused and that the intent of the person saying harmful words isn't the key.  Words can be harmful without intent and those harmed should be the ones listened to... and yet I object to hearing my words are harmful.  What right have I to claim that my words aren't harmful?  I toss around a couple reasons, but are those reasons valid?  Is it even possible for them to be valid?  Should I not just accept that my words were harmful and try to learn from that?  Is that not what I'm supposed to do?   

Second, there's the idea that my health-related target is invalid and shouldn't be worked on.  This is the less reasonable element of it but somehow it plays out in my head.  I'm struggling with my weight, trying to get it back down to where I was when my doctor gave me the good news that I had an almost-normal blood sugar level, so to hear that that struggle is fat shaming suggests to me that people saying so feel that I should give up on my health efforts.  Having diabetes, not working on my health through watching what I eat and exercising has very real consequences, so feeling that someone is saying I shouldn't be working on it is akin to them saying they are ok with my encountering those consequences.  Clearly this is unlikely and yet it's still a feeling I keep coming back to when thinking about how I might interact with them later. 

But I digress.

Even as I type this post, I continue to feel rage, though lessened, about the insinuation that what I said was fat-shaming and all the defenses come up and all the anger boils.  And I have not found the reason why my original post was fat shaming.... and yet that's still an excuse isn't it?  An excuse to feel upset about having been called out for something I would proclaim as wrong.

I'm glad to say it's not overwhelming my emotional state as it was days ago... but still, there's this feeling...  and depending upon when I investigate it, I either go down the self-pity / anger path or the route of questioning whether I'm just someone of privilege being called out and then becoming self-defensive with no actual defense other than those like "but how can I be shaming people like myself?".  

It probably doesn't help that I'm frustrated with my efforts to improve my health and that we've seen that COVID cases appear to be back on the rise in MA (as well as many other .... while these aren't directly related, they muddy my mental waters with other areas of distress and anger towards others and myself.

I'm writing this both in an effort to help myself further my self evaluation as well as to identify that it's ok to do such self evaluations.  None of us are perfect and we should all strive to be better.

Don't Assume 2

Don't assume we're ok.

Don't assume my anger has abated.

Don't assume my pain has faded.

Don't assume I know you're sorry.

Don't assume I don't need you to say something.

Don't assume the smile on my face is more than skin deep.

Don't assume this isn't about you... don't assume you can make that leap.

Don't assume my lack of comment means you're in the clear.

Don't assume that my walking away isn't near.

Don't assume the tear in my eyes are just from sorrow.

Don't assume that we'll just talk about it tomorrow.

Don't assume these bad rhymes are simply a joke.

Don't assume I won't give this bear but a poke.

Don't assume I won't be an ass.

Don't assume this will pass.

Don't assume a brief apology by text is all it will take.

Don't assume this outrage is but a fake.

Don't assume I want to move on... and 

Don't assume I won't let this rain on the fun.

The opera, the circus, the quad-friends, the workplace,

Don't assume anything, I can't promise it's the case.

Don't assume I no longer need you to say something.

Don't assume I'm no longer giving up on you.

Don't assume it's too late.  Don't assume that it's fate.

Don't assume I'll be here tomorrow... but also don't let that bring you to sorrow.

For everything in this world comes to an end... even the closeness you once may have called a friend.

Don't Assume

Don't assume you know what others are going through.
Don't assume that words will never hurt.
Don't assume.
Don't assume that a person who looks happy is happy.
Don't assume that a person who has been willing to put in a ton of extra time to help will continue to do so forever, or even will do so in the near future.
Don't assume.
Don't assume you know me.

Don't assume I know you.

Don't assume.

Don't assume things will be continue as they have before.

Don't assume that things will turn out alright just because they have in the past.

Don't assume.

Don't assume this is a post about me.
Don't assume this post is about you.
Don't assume.

Just

don't

assume.

I know what I know... what do you know?

I know you didn't mean to suggest that my struggle with my weight is meaningless and pointless and that I shouldn't work on it.

I know you didn't mean to suggest that my effort to control me diabetes through working on my weight wasn't perfectly reasonable.

I know you didn't mean to suggest that my efforts to improve myself is fat shaming.... that you saw my analogy as just an analogy and not the very real parallel that it truly was.

I know these things.

I know you consider me a friend.  Nope, I can't go that far.  

I know you consider me a good person?  Closer.  

I know you value what I have provided you and your family.  There we go, that I know.

I know that I'm considering walking away from all the physical spaces we interact... and that if I don't end up doing so, it is mostly out of a sense of obligation and the feeling of guilt toward others involved in the organizations.  I know a more likely scenario is shutting down my interactions with you in those spaces to limit them to business.

I know that I've opened up a message window to you a half dozen times and started to write something asking for an explanation or to let you know how much what you said has impacted me ... just to close it minutes later, for what good would it do?

I know that I've opened up an email to the board of directors of an organization, intending to suggest that we not hold the program this year or to let them know that they may want to look for someone else to run the program... and then closed it without actually getting so far as typing in the body of the email.

I know that this is the 3rd time I've started a blog post to explain my feelings, the first two discarded.

I know all of this... and yet I don't know why I feel this way.

I don't know why I haven't gotten past this after a day.

I don't know why I'm still wallowing in my self-pity.

I don't know why, after proclaiming that one should continue to work on their health even if they're nearing a target, I'm struggling (and failing so far) to keep working on my health.

I don't know how to express myself without coming off as a simpering pathetic person and without coming off as similar to those on the right that claim victimhood through false equivalences.

And I am very much like them.  I have an extreme amount of privilege.  I'm white, heterosexual, middle-class, living in the USA, and have no outward presenting abnormalities.  How can I claim victimhood with all these privileges?  What wrong has been perpetrated against me?  The suggestion that I was fat shaming?  That's nothing in comparison to the ability to have been pulled over by a cop without fearing for my life, the ability to walk through a store without eyes watching me, the ability to never have my name be a reason for my resume to be passed over, the ability to have my voice heard, ... and the list goes on.  It's ridiculous, therefore, that I am wallowing in self-pity. 

So... with all of that... what do you know?

Say Something, I'm Giving Up on You

I don't know how to let you know how much your words of property being worth the same as life has damaged our relationship. 

I don't know how to get you to care about other people more than going to the grocery store right this instant.

I don't know how to get you to care the people around you that have to remain vigilant because it's life/death for themselves or members of their household.

I don't know how to get you to realize that many of your peers are remaining vigilant despite being tired and not being at risk themselves.

I don't know how to let you know that what you say now impacts how I will interact with you in 6 months and that I am considering walking away from various communities, including those I have been a part of for just about all my life.

I don't know how to express the sorrow I feel having not believed in personal responsibility prior to this year and seeing now that I still managed to believe in it more than I should have.

I don't know how to say that I'm struggling not to give up right now and need someone to say something again because it's been a minute and I'm just so tired and so done.

Shopping For Gifts Locally

Shopping locally is the best!  Please consider purchasing your gifts locally.  Here's a short list for the Boston area (and some that are a little beyond) (let me know if you have additional ideas and I'll add here).

• Art/Craft Supplies
• Make and Mend Shop, Somerville, online https://makeandmendshop.com
• Art & Decorative
• Felix Doolittle/Paper Mouse, West Newton https://www.felixdoolittle.com/
• Foxfire Creative Studio https://www.foxfirecreativestudio.com/
• Michiko Imai, Japanese calligraphy and painting, Salem MA, online https://www.etsy.com/shop/michikoI
• Ritual Arts, Allston http://ritualartsallston.com/
• Books
• Frugal Bookstore, Roxbury (Black-owned) https://frugalbookstore.net/
• Newtonville Books, online only https://newtonvillebooks.square.site/
• Porter Square Books, Somerville https://www.portersquarebooks.com/
• Bath & Body
• Dulse & Rugosa bath and body, and more, Gotts Island, ME, online https://www.dulseandrugosa.com/
• Urban Kitchen Handmade soaps, candles, oils, etc., Allston, online http://www.myurbankitchen.com/
• Clothes
• Candace Designs, online only (Black-owned) https://candacecort.com/
• Fawn Over Me, Worcester, online (Black-owned) https://www.etsy.com/shop/FawnOverMe
• Comic books
• Comicazi, Somerville, http://comicazi.com
• Hub Comics, Somerville, https://www.hubcomics.com
• Food & Beverages
• Ackermann Maple Farm, Vermont online https://www.ackermannmaplefarm.com/
• Beverly Bees honey, bees wax candles, etc., Salem MA, online https://www.beverlybees.com/
• Boston Chai Party chai kit, Boston https://bostonchaiparty.com/
• EH Chocolatier, Cambridge MA https://www.ehchocolatier.com
• Farm to Door Direct has Gift Baskets, Boston-area delivery https://www.farmtodoordirect.net/
• Follow the Honey gift boxes, honey, bees wax candles, etc., Cambridge, online https://www.followthehoney.com/
• Fork on a Road spice gift pack, Lynnfield, farmers market, online https://forkonaroad.com/store/spice-pack/
• Lake Champlain Chocolates, Burlington VT, online https://www.lakechamplainchocolates.com/
• Q's Nuts, Somerville/Boston - https://www.qsnuts.com
• The Roasted Granola gift baskets, Arlington https://www.roastedgranola.com/
• Taza Chocolate gifts and collections, Somerville, online https://www.tazachocolate.com/
• Games/Toys
• Comicazi, Somerville, http://comicazi.com
• Eureka Puzzles, Brookline https://www.eurekapuzzles.com/
• Henry Bear’s Park, Somerville https://www.henrybear.com/
• Wish on a Purple Cow book, stuffies, etc., Brighton, online https://www.wishonapurplecow.com/
• Housewares
• Anns Pottery, Boston https://ann-schunior-online-shop.square.site/
• Jewelry
• Jade Moran, Somerville http://www.jademoran.com
• Restaurants
• Many restaurants offer gift certificates. When in doubt, just ask. Local restaurants are everywhere. Even small chains are better than wider chains. Flatbread (https://flatbreadcompany.com) for example, makes a point of purchasing their produce locally and giving back to the community with fundraisers for local organizations.